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Then begins a blank that lasts several days and would end this chapter if I didn’t have one more sentence to add.
然后开始持续几天的空白，如果我没有更多的句子要添加，这一章就会结束。
What I’m saying here is brutal, but my condition was brutal and I’d like it to be clear that the doctors I dealt with at Sainte-Anne were and are all very competent, but hey, there are jerks everywhere, and as things turned out, there was one who called Nathalie after this episode and asked: “Your brother has made a request for euthanasia, what do we do?”
我在这里说的话残很残酷，但我的情况也很残酷，我想明确的是，我在圣安妮治疗过的医生都非常能干，但是事实证明，到处都是混蛋，有一个人在这件事发生后打电话给娜塔莉问：“你哥哥要求安乐死，我们该怎么办？”
The psychiatrist who treats me has seen a lot of melancholic depressives in his time.
治疗我的精神科医生在他那个时代见过很多忧郁的抑郁症患者。
He knows how to assess the risk of suicide, which he considered to be very high in my case, and I myself realise on rereading these pages that I can find no words to adequately convey the “intolerable moral suffering” mentioned in my medical report.
他知道如何评估自杀的风险，他认为我的自杀风险非常高，而当我重读这些页面时，我自己意识到，我找不到合适的词语来充分表达我的医疗报告中提到的“无法忍受的精神痛苦”。
If I can find no words, it’s because I’m too distant and detached today to be able to remember, describe or name the horror in which I was then immersed, and above all, I think, because there are no words for it.
如果我找不到任何语言，那是因为我今天太疏远和超然，无法记住、描述或命名我当时沉浸在其中的恐惧，最重要的是，我想没有语言可以形容它。
What I’m saying here sounds horrible, but in fact it was much more horrible than that.
我在这里说的话听起来很可怕，但实际上要可怕得多。
It was an unspeakable, indescribable, unqualifiable and – the word hardly exists, but no matter -- immemorable horror.
这是一种难以言表、难以描述、无法形容的恐惧--这个词几乎不存在，但没关系--令人难忘的恐怖。
When you’re no longer there, you can no longer remember that -- thank goodness.
当你不再在那里的时候，你就不再记得了--谢天谢地。
Would I have made it through without ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)?
如果没有ECT(电休克疗法)，我能挺过去吗？
How would I have fared?
我会怎么做呢？
I don’t know, and I’ll never know.
我不知道，我永远也不会知道。
But yes, maybe the ECT did save my life.
但没错，也许电击确实救了我的命。
But whatever the case, the improvement wasn’t spectacular.
但无论如何，这种改善并不是很显著。
All during the treatment, my hospital report speaks of “non-linear development with moments of thymic improvement, without a clear recovery of vitality”, “significant thymic decline with anxiety and negative thoughts” and “increasing memory problems”.
在整个治疗过程中，我的医院报告都提到“非线性发展，伴有胸腺的改善，没有明显的活力恢复”，“胸腺显著衰退，伴随着焦虑和消极的想法”，以及“日益严重的记忆问题”。
