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To return to the medical report: “Inclusion in a protocol with twice-weekly administration of ketamine.
回到医学报告：“将氯胺酮纳入每周两次给药的议定书中。
First three infusions: good tolerance, thymic improvement.”
前三次输液：耐受性好，胸腺改善。
Ketamine, for those who don’t know, is a horse anaesthetic that people use to get high, and which in recent years has been found to have antidepressant properties.
对于那些不知道的人来说，氯胺酮是一种马用麻醉剂，人们用它来获得快感，近年来发现它有抗抑郁的特性。
This is my introduction to high psychiatric chemistry.
这是我对高级精神化学的介绍。
Before and after each session, the protocol includes my being given a questionnaire about my desire to live or to die, my suicidal impulses, my “pejoration of the future”, etc.
在每次治疗前后，治疗方案包括给我一份问卷，内容有我对生存或死亡的渴望、我自杀的冲动、我对未来的展望等等。
First infusion: 40 minutes, not one more or less, and when it’s over, it’s over, from one moment to the next.
第一次输液：40分钟，不能多一次或少一次，当它结束时，就结束了，从一个时刻到下一个时刻。
But during these 40 minutes it’s an XXL high.
但在这40分钟里，是极度兴奋的。
Lying in bed, I remain conscious, perfectly conscious.
躺在床上，我保持清醒，完全清醒。
I can feel time passing.
我能感觉到时间在流逝。
I can hear the doctor and the nurse talking softly.
我能听到医生和护士轻声交谈。
But I get the impression that they’re far, far below me, lost in the landscape above which I’m floating.
但我觉得它们在我下面很远很远的地方，消失在我漂浮的风景中。
Because I am floating.
因为我在漂浮。
I’m drifting.
我在漂流。
I see everything.
我什么都看到了。
I’m perfectly calm, perfectly fine, I’d like it to last for ever.
我非常平静，非常好，我希望它能永远持续下去。
It’s like the descriptions of near-death experiences, and of heroin, of course.
这就像对濒死经历的描述，当然还有对海洛因的描述。
The heroin that you should never touch because it’s so good.
你永远不应该碰海洛因，因为它太好了。
I’m glad I’m interned at Sainte-Anne if they’re going to drug me so wonderfully.
我很高兴我被关在圣安妮医院，如果他们给我下这么好的药的话。
I feel good.
我感觉很好。
After the first three infusions I still feel good -- my tolerance to the drug is so encouraging and my thymic improvement so obvious that I’m already talking about leaving, and not just about leaving the hospital, but about leaving the country.
在前三次注射后，我仍然感觉良好--我对药物的耐受性非常令人鼓舞，我的胸腺改善是如此明显，以至于我已经在谈论离开，不仅是离开医院，而且是离开这个国家。
With ketamine, work is back on the agenda.
有了氯胺酮，工作又回到了议事日程上。
“Fourth injection: bad tolerance with intense moral suffering and request for euthanasia.”
“第四次注射：耐受性差，强烈的精神痛苦，要求安乐死。”
Things take a turn for the worse, we’re into the rough.
情况变得更糟了，我们陷入困境。
The night before the infusion, I freak out.
在输液的前一晚，我吓坏了。
Although I’ve forgotten so much, I remember very well that my anxiety had its starting point in one of the most perfidious aspects of bipolar disorder.
虽然我已经忘记了很多，但我清楚地记得，我的焦虑始于双相情感障碍最背信弃义的方面之一。
When you’re in the depressive phase, there’s no getting around the fact that you’re there: it’s horrible, it’s hell, but at least you can’t be wrong about it.
当你处于抑郁阶段时，你无法回避这样一个事实：这是可怕的，是地狱，但至少你不会错的。
What’s insidious about the manic phase is that you don’t realise it’s a manic phase.
躁狂期的阴险之处在于，你没有意识到这是一个躁狂期。
Especially when it’s only hypomanic and you’re not stripping off in the street or buying a Ferrari.
尤其是当你只是轻度狂躁，又没有在街上脱光衣服或买法拉利的时候。
