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You’re bipolar type 2: agitated without necessarily being euphoric, but sometimes also seductive, flirtatious, very sexual, outwardly very much alive, but inclined to make the type of decisions you regret the most, while being dead sure that they’re right and that you’ll never go back on them.
你是二型躁郁症患者：焦躁但不一定是兴奋的，但有时也很有魅力，会调情，非常性感，表面上非常活跃，但倾向于做出你最后悔的决定，同时非常确定它们是正确的，你永远不会反悔。
Then after that you’re dead sure of the very opposite, you realise that you’ve done the worst thing possible, you try to fix it and do something even worse.
之后，你会非常肯定，你会意识到你做了最糟糕的事情，你试图修复它，做了更糟糕的事情。
You think one thing and then its opposite, you do one thing and then its opposite, in frightening succession.
你想一件事，然后它的对立面，你做一件事，然后事与愿违，可怕的接二连三。
But the worst is that if you’re like me and are used to analysing yourself, once the diagnosis has been reached and the mood swings identified, you gain hindsight -- only this hindsight is of little use.
但最糟糕的是，如果你像我一样，习惯于分析自己，一旦得出诊断并识别出情绪波动，你就会事后诸葛亮--只是这种事后诸葛亮用处不大。
Or if it is, it’s just to see that no matter what you think, say or do, you can’t trust your self because there are two of you in the same person, and those two are enemies.
如果是的话，那只是想知道，无论你怎么想、怎么说、怎么做，你都不能相信自己，因为在同一个人身上有两个你，而这两个人是敌人。
It was totally predictable, since manic excitement is invariably followed by a dive into depression.
这是完全可以预见的，因为狂热的兴奋之后总是会陷入抑郁。
An atrocious period.
一个残酷的时期。
In the first phase I was elated at the prospect of a new book and a new life, full of promises and conquests.
在第一阶段，我对一本新书和新生活的前景感到欣喜若狂，充满了希望和征服。
I rented quite a nice apartment on the Rue du Faubourg Poissonnière in Paris.
我在巴黎的Poissonnière街租了一套相当不错的公寓。
I bought a Bluetooth speaker and took out a subscription to Deezer, both of which I imagined, oddly enough, as attributes of my new life.
我买了一个蓝牙音箱，并订阅了Deezer，奇怪的是，这两个都是我想象中的新生活的属性。
Then I end up as lonely as a rat, without a woman, or impotent when by chance I bring one home, my neck covered in dandruff, my cock blistered with herpes, unable to write,
然后，我像一只孤独的老鼠，没有女人，或者当我偶然带一个回家的时候，我的脖子上满是头皮屑，我的xx起了疱疹，无法写作，
having lost all faith in a book project which a few weeks earlier seemed so right, so necessary, so doable, as all I had to do was start by describing what was happening to me.
对一个几周前看起来如此正确、如此必要、如此可行的图书项目失去了所有的信心，因为我所要做的就是从描述发生在我身上的事情开始。
The problem is that I don’t know what’s happening to me, and I’m no longer able to tell myself or anyone else anything at all.
问题是我不知道自己发生了什么，我再也不能告诉自己或其他任何人任何事情了。
To live, you need a story, and I no longer have one.
为了活下去，你需要一个故事，而我已经没有了。
My life is reduced to the path between my bed, where I bathe in a terrible sweat, and the terrace of the Café Le Rallye where I spend hours smoking cigarette after cigarette in a dazed stupor.
我的生活只剩我的床和拉莱咖啡馆的露台之间的小路，我在床上大汗淋漓，在咖啡馆一根接着一根地抽几个小时的烟，昏昏沉沉。
Even today I can’t walk past this cafe without a shudder.
即使是今天，当我走过这家咖啡馆时也会不寒而栗。
