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‘There are no words for the horror’: the story of my madness
没有言语可以形容我的恐惧：我的疯狂故事
It’s disturbing, at almost 60 years of age, to be diagnosed with an illness that you’ve suffered from your whole life without it ever being named.
在将近60岁的年纪，被诊断出患有一种你一生都在遭受的疾病，却还没有被命名，这是令人不安的。
Your first reaction is to protest.
你的第一反应是抗议。
I protested, insisting that bipolar disorder is one of those notions that are all of a sudden in vogue and get pinned on anything and everything.
我表示抗议，坚称双相情感障碍是突然流行起来的概念之一，会被贴在任何东西上。
Then you read what you can on the subject, you re-examine your whole life from that angle, and you realise that the shoe fits.
然后，你阅读了关于这个主题的一切东西，你从这个角度重新审视了你的整个生活，你意识到是正确的。
Perfectly, even.
甚至是完美的。
That all your life you’ve been subject to this alternation of excitement and depression that is of course all of our lot -- because all our moods change, we all have highs and lows, clear skies and dark clouds --
你的一生都处于兴奋和沮丧的交替中，这是我们所有人的命运--因为我们所有的情绪都在变化，我们都有起伏，晴朗的天空和乌云--
only that there’s a group of people to which you belong, along with, it seems, 2% of the population, for whom the highs are higher and the lows lower than average, to the point that their succession becomes pathological.
只是你所属的一群人，似乎2%的人口，对他们来说，最高的时候比平均水平高，低的时候比平均水平低，以至于他们的情绪交替变得病态。
However, where the description doesn’t fit at first glance has to do with the so-called “manic” phase of what until the 90s was called manic depressive psychosis.
然而，这种描述乍一看并不符合所谓的“躁狂”阶段，直到90年代还被称为躁狂抑郁症。
The manic state is when people strip naked on the street, or suddenly buy three Ferraris, or feverishly explain to anyone who wants to hear it that what they’ve got to do is eat guavas, lots and lots of guavas, to save humanity from a third world war.
狂热状态是当人们在街上脱光衣服，或者突然买了三辆法拉利，或者狂热地向任何想听它的人解释说，他们要做的是吃番石榴，很多很多番石榴，以拯救人类免于第三次世界大战。
I knew a young guy who did things like that and who, once the crisis had passed, was appalled by what he’d done.
我认识一个年轻人，他就做过这样的事情，危机过去后，他对自己的所作所为感到震惊。
He killed himself, as it seems up to 20% of people with bipolar disorder do.
他自杀了，似乎所有20%的双相情感障碍患者都自杀了。
I felt sorry for this brilliant, desperate young guy, and never thought I suffered from the same disorder as he did.
我为这个才华横溢、绝望的年轻人感到难过，从来没有想过我会患上和他一样的疾病。
I was depressive, yes.
是的，我当时很郁闷。
In addition to what can be called empty periods, I’ve been through two phases of real, severe depression, the sort that lasts for several months,
除了所谓的空虚时期，我还经历了两个真正的、严重的抑郁症阶段，这种抑郁持续了几个月，
and during which you hardly ever get up, you can no longer accomplish the most basic tasks, and above all you can no longer imagine that things will change.
在这段时间里，你几乎无法起床，你不能再完成最基本的任务，最重要的是，你不认为事情会发生变化。
